Unbalanced

Today I am sitting here planning my day along with the next two weeks with the boys out of school. We are going to fit in big breakfasts, Christmas crafts, a birthday party for Jesus, Christmas movies, a few sleepovers, cookie decorating, driving around looking at lights, church, a Christmas Eve service, spending time with family, and of course lots of playtime filled with Lego's, crayons, toys, puzzles and costumes.

Anyways, then this morning after doing my quiet time it hits me. I figured it out….I know the word.

Let me explain, about once a week someone I see, or get a message from asks how it is going with Jason gone. I appreciate all the concern but I NEVER know how to answer. I hate to flat out lie and say “GOOD” because it is just NOT GOOD with Jason gone. Especially in the holiday season when I am more emotional and sentimental - it basically SUCKS.

Yes, that day that someone asked me how things were might have been good, but it is never quite enjoyable to the fullest. But then again, it is not necessarily horribly BAD either. Yeah, it stinks, but I know it is making us each and our marriage that much stronger, and that fact alone keeps me going. Plus I am pretty proud of his decision to join the military, learn to fly helicopters and defend our freedom…and we have both accepted that deployments comes along with the territory.

I have been blessed that these first five months that the Lord has kept Jason safe and me and the boys from anything too traumatic happening. He also blessed us with an amazing r&r that hopefully can last us the next 7 months.

Today I realized how to describe Jason being gone when someone asked - in one word.
---UNBALANCED
My life at this moment is unbalanced - without Jason to even me and our home out.

Now that he is away, my eyes are completely open as to why the Lord put us together- we completly balance each other out.

MY JOB AS A PARENT IS UNBALANCED
The hardest thing I am dealing with is being a mom (and dad) to these 4 boys. And it takes Jason going away for me to realize how mush more balanced parenting is with us both physically here. I am on the more strict/stern side than Jason. There are days I go to bed knowing I was being too picky and demanding of the boys that day and got on to them more than I would have liked. It has been hard juggling all 4 and taking this year to raise Parker into a smart, loving big brother; Banner into a listening, minding little 5 year old; West into a brave and friendly preschooler; and Clark from a transitioning hard-headed two year old.

Being the only one to discipline there is a fine line I sometimes feel like I am on the verge of, and that is resentment. I don’t want them to resent me for always being the disciplinarian-or the "mean" one. I sometimes try to take a whole day to just focus on them, letting my guard down - not worrying about cooking, cleaning, or other duties of a homemaker, just letting them be the little boys they are...along with yelling, wrestling, mess making, and fighting (like Jason would let them do).

When he is here, Jason grounds me in our raising of these boys and helps me to know when to just let them be themselves - realizing when their actions are just there age, or when they cross the line and needs discipline.

MY JOB AS A HOUSEWIFE IS UNBALANCED
Then you have my job…the housewife’s job to cook, clean, and organize the family’s activities. And if you know me - my somewhat OCD self, I can go overboard with that. There have been plenty of times Jason will say “Laness, come sit down right now with me and forget about (enter a random chore here)…you can do that tomorrow! I now wish I would have listened to him more. So without him here telling me to chill out on all the obsessive cleaning, preparing, and cooking I do, I find myself off-balanced in all the mindless housework I do. (And it is not like I keep it so clean for the load of guests, the only ones that have been inside my house are friends that could care less if there was a smear on the mirror in the bathroom.)
I know I take out my stress and anxiety in cleaning and organizing which results in a very clean house. But at this I would trade in that perfection to have him here to just tell me to chill out and sit down.

MY JOB AS A WIFE IS UNBALANCED
I also feel off-kilter because my duties as a wife have been stripped from me and replaced with other (not-as-fun) things. For Exapmple, instead of sharing what the boys and I did all day, I am sending him tons of pictures and videos,sometimes feeling guilty for the fun we might have had without him. Instead of cooking big elaborate meals, I am sending him packages of chips and beef jerky while making pb&j‘s for dinner. Instead of welcoming him home with a smile after he gets off work, I am (sometimes) video chatting with him when I first wake up. Instead of wrapping my arms around him and telling him how proud I am of him and that I love him, I am having to type it all to a hotmail address.

We are almost to the halfway point of this separation! And what I have learned is I believe that when we met God had a plan for Jason and I. When the Bible tells us in Genesis that God created Eve as a helpmate to Adam, I believe Jason was created for a helpmate to me (and I to him). While we are apart I do feel unbalanced in this role I have been blessed with, but know this is allowing me to rely on the Lord and others and to also open my eyes to all Jason is to me- a helpmate for life!